A guide to choosing movies on your sick day

poltergeist

Today I woke up feeling like I was recovering from a night of heavy clubbing. Although I wanted to high five myself, I quickly realized my cool days were long behind me, and what I was experiencing was in fact the deterioration of my body. I dragged myself to the nearest doctor, where I was told my disease-ridden vocal chords were hitting Bale Batman levels and I would have to stay home and rest.

There’s not much I’m good for when it takes me 15 minutes to walk to the toilet and 20 minutes of hoovering over a food delivery platform before realizing I should just cook something myself. During those dark times I find comfort in my lifelong friends: the movies.

I’m a cord cutter so bland reality TV is out of the question. The only thing I have to depend on is Netflix, YouTube, Amazon Prime, some old DVDs (do we all own Swordfish?) & a selection of downloaded films. You may have guessed it, I am white.

One thing people forget about movie marathons is that they’re fucking hard. The mind gets tired, especially when you’re sick, so you need to pace yourself. By writing up these guidelines I hope to prevent you from tumbling down a YouTube hole.

1. The Familiar One

Estimated Watch Time: 10AM – 12AM (w. breaks)

What I recommend: You’re up and you’re feeling groggy. You’re not going to the doctor immediately because you don’t want to waste your last minutes in a doctor’s office, numbly staring at fellow doomed ones. Although you’re probably not able to eat, do force yourself to make some coffee and start your first movie. Pick something you’ve seen multiple times, but you can’t seem to get sick (no pun intended) off. Alternatively choose something new that brings you back to those childhood days when your mom would still constantly check in on your temperature. Animated movies can be a good choice here.

My movie choice: The Goonies. Because Goonies never say die.

Other activities during the movie: It’s not like you’re going to focus intensely on all these movies. Now is the perfect time to email your employer (“sorry boss, feeling a bit sick, can’t come in 🙁 “) and let your loved ones know you are sick and suffering (“I hope I will live through this day, but am willing to accept my fate if not”). Beyond this go through your social media feeds (feel free to update all your friends to make the world aware you’re sick), and check your news feed to see what else is going on.


Break: Make yourself some lunch. It’s good to get up for a bit. Doesn’t have to be anything complicated.


2. The Underperformer

Estimated Watch Time: 12.30PM- 2.30PM (w. breaks)

What I recommend: This is the time when I’m at my most braindead. Assuming you’re the same, you want to put on something you have a mild interest in, yet never saw because critics trashed it. Your best bet: Hollywood action shlock.

My movie choice: Olympus Has Fallen. Because sometimes evil Koreans deserve to get violently murdered by Gerard Butler.

Other activities during the movie:  Just fold the laundry or something. Now’s a good time to force yourself to be productive. If you’re in a studio flat and can still see the screen, do the dishes. Browse some news sites to see if Korea is actually up to anything. Like some cat pictures, because apparently owning two cats is a big enough deal to talk about every other fucking day on Facebook. It’s fine walking in and out of the room during this one.


Break: Take a bath and listen to some tunes. Go and take a rest. You’re still sick after all. If that’s not your thing, play a video game for a bit or watch some YouTube clips in moderation.


3. The Lightweight

Estimated Watch Time: 4PM – 6PM (w. breaks)

What I recommend: After whatever you chose as the underdog, you don’t want to sink even further. Because that’s where Michael Bay and his croonies live. Why instead not opt for something lighthearted that everyone seemed to agree on was “ok, I guess”?

My movie choice: The Intern. DeNiro organizes files.

Other activities during the movie:  You might fall asleep a few times. That’s fine. You need to rest.


Break: You should be getting a phone call from your mom right around now. Don’t cry. Never reveal your true emotions to your parents. Keep it inside. Oh, and make some food.


4. The Headliner

Estimated Watch Time: 7PM – 9.30PM

What I recommend: Don’t give up. You’re still here. You’re still alive. Prove to yourself you still know what cinema is all about. Choose something foreign, or something intellectually stimulating, that exceeds a run time of 120 minutes. This will be the movie you will tell others you watched during your sick day. If you make the right choice they will adore you and worship you for years to come.

My movie choice: Captain Phillips. Tom Hanks has learned nothing from Cast Away, and goes near water again.

Other activities during the movie:  Just pay attention already. You’ve been fucking around on your phone the entire day already.


Break: Take 30 minutes to ponder your existence.


5. The Afterthought

Estimated Watch Time: 10PM – 12AM

What I recommend: End your day with a genre flick (horror or thriller), because there’s no point in watching these when it’s light outside. Stay away from horror films that run on noise based scares, because those are just annoying. A cat jumping out of a closet is only scary when it’s accompanied by a high pitched sound, or when it’s showing up on my Facebook feed even though I unfollowed the person responsible multiple times already. I like this current crop of mumblecore horror films, coming from the Duplass brothers, Joe Swanberg & co. Some of them are quite good and they don’t aggressively attack your senses.

My movie choice: Creep. Because you haven’t seen Mark Duplass in anything in like two days.

Other activities during the movie:  Play some game on your phone. Take pictures of your diseased face, send them to your mother, and ask her why she has forsaken you.


Break: Go to bed and hope you don’t have to repeat this process the next day.

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